A Canadian writer teaches English and finds out what it's like to be a foreigner.

Monday, February 05, 2007

February sucks


See above.



















Seriously though. February is a bullshit month with no purpose. I wish there was a universal switch that could be flipped to skip it or do away with it entirely.

Take my grievances to the heavens, Internet, for I am a blogger and mine word is self-important (not really, but one must keep up appearances).

I wish the universe had a suggestion box. I suppose there is one, and it's called free will, but balls to that for the moment. I wish there was a big mother suggestion box—perhaps teak with a nice finish— that appeared in a cloud of pleasant smelling smoke whenever you wanted to offer input to the balance of the cosmos. That way I could lick the nib of a Waterman pen, and in studied handwriting suggest:


"Dear Universe,

F**k February.
I'm done with February.
Seriously, we'd be better off without it.
An odd number of months would probably keep us on our toes for some reason.
Pluck it from the calender like a frozen wort and make our lives that much better.
That's how much f**k February.

Respectfully Yours,
S.D.B Worthington"


This is my dream.

That said, if there was a cosmic suggestion box, it would probably be filled with viral messages like: "I love farts."

This would seriously discredit the Front for the Litigious Undoing of February and all that we stand for.

We will prevail, in the spirit of human endeavor; our cry grander than any folded paper, languid behind the teak walls of fate:

Sic Semper Februarus.

4 comments:

Pam said...

I can think of a few good reasons for February.
Your Grandmother Betty wouldn't have been born (13th) ,then I wouldn't have been born, and then ...you wouldn't be here to complain about it.
Valentines, Bert and Gordon's birthday and the fine old tradition of Groung hog day! This year Shuebenachadie Sam didn't see his shadow, so spring will soon be here!!
It is a month to think about how great all the other months are too!!
Cheers, Mum

Shane Patenaude said...

I want to join your movement of anti-Februites. Will there be meetings? Matching hats? A dental plan!?!
The time for action has come!

Jono said...

For the record, February is vitally important to me having a birthday, without which I would be drunk one less day of the year.

Think about the implications of THAT!

Stephanie said...

I completely agree with you. I hate February. I'm counting down the days left on whiteboard in my room... Thank goodness it's the shortest, eh?
-Stephanie from Minneapolis, MN