A Canadian writer teaches English and finds out what it's like to be a foreigner.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Fan 2: Low, Medium, DOOM!

My fan committed suicide last night.

There was a horrible, prolonged screech as the motor choked on its own bits, followed by a final rattling that sounded like a stick across a picket fence, then the unmistakable stillness of death.

It was a hot night to come.

Today, in the interest of not meeting the same end as the ex-fan, I headed to the neighborhood appliance shanty to find a suitable replacement.

There were sales upon sales, and I settled on a sturdy-looking powder blue affair.

When I got it home I checked out the instructions and found many helpful illustrations letting me know exactly what I shouldn't do with my new fan.

Now, I can't read Korean... so I don't know if this is straight-up saying "YOU WILL DIE IF YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR FAN ON!" but the threat is surely implied.

Fan death is apparently a commonly believed urban legend in Korea, that I'm sure every blogger whose ever been to this country for an extended time has written about in disbelief, so I won't waste much time.

The basis for the danger is thinly explained as being either related to carbon dioxide, vacuums
or hypothermia— warn a Canadian that they might get hypothermia from a fan, and you'll find yourself on the business-end of an anecdote about passing out drunk overnight in a snowdrift in Winnipeg, then going to work the next day.

I'm of the opinion that the much more grave and unreported danger is in another helpful illustration:

Let's get it together people—do not stick your neck into the unassembled, but still plugged-in fan motor!

It may seem tempting, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it when I was putting the thing together. If you saw this sexy thing in action you'd want to get it all up in your neck too. BUT YOU CAN'T, DAMN IT!
Those of you who know me, and might be worrying about my eminent asphyxiation DON'T! because the fan is equipped with an anti-fandeath timer. What it isn't equipped with, however, is a device that suddenly makes it seem like a bad idea to give yourself a rollicking-good throat massage on the ol' oscillator.

I'm sure that if the late, great Mitch Hedberg had known about fan death, he would have written a good joke about it. He never had the chance. While I'm not saying that fans killed him, I'm also not saying they didn't...

He did write this joke, however, which I'll leave you with:

"I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'no.' So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying shit."


1 comment:

Shane said...

Those warnings in the instructions are hilarious. But I wonder if it's okay to make out with the fan?